HATE TO SAY WE TOLD YOU SO, but according to the Los Angeles Times, Ted Williams has already gotten himself into a bit of trouble. He was reportedly taken into custody by the LAPD after a verbal altercation with his daughter at a Los Angeles hotel. You can read the full article below.
by Rory Corcoran, Editor in Chief
I have been frequenting David’s Barber Shop for the past 8 years. It doesn’t offer a good haircut, but it provides a unique cultural flavor that keeps me coming back. It’s a small shop tucked away inside a brick building on a quiet side street in Oceanside, New York.
David, the shop’s proprietor, is a Russian-Jewish immigrant. He is severely restrained in expression and speech but can command his domain on the strength of one chilling and terrifying glance. His tightly tailored European shirts reveal the body of a man who has indulged in all of the spoils his success has afforded him. His neck and wrists are adorned with splendiferous jewelry, and he compulsively checks out the window for his Mercedes CL, the manifestation of his pride.
A telephone hangs on the wall next to David’s barber chair, and it will occasionally ring in the middle of a haircut. This is my favorite time. David’s phone manner is unwaveringly harsh, and callers are often berated by a torrent of Russian expletives that clank off his tongue.
I like to imagine that David is an underboss in the Russian mob, and that he is ordering the head of an enemy to be presented to him inside a jar of blue barbicide. Sometimes I wish that David would ask me to kill someone for him. I would. But, other times I like to imagine that David suspects I can understand Russian, and that I have infiltrated his shop to spy him. It’s thrilling when I think that he’s caught on to me, and I lay vulnerably in his barber’s chair at the mercy of his razor blade. Suffice it to say that when I leave his shop, I am more appreciative to be alive than when I entered.
The majority of David’s verbal abuse is reserved for his mistress and fellow haircutter, Sher. Sher is attractive and dresses like a Russian prostitute. Her make-up is heavily layered upon her deeply set eyes, but there is something very warm about her. One day, I entered the shop and found Sher working alone. This would be a rare opportunity for me to candidly pick her brain without being under the cloak of David’s watchful eye. Without forethought, I tossed out a lame compliment about her beauty, which I immediately regretted. Surprisingly, she was flattered, and I felt slightly less inappropriate. As she cut my hair, I probed her about how she had come to work at David’s shop. She told me that she had attended elementary school with David in Russia, and that they happened to run into each other years later after they had both immigrated to the United States. I had already learned more from Sher in ten minutes than I had learned from David in five years. Our conversation was uninhibited, borderline flirtatious, and totally outside the realm of what was acceptable under David’s roof.
I’m a newshound. Plain and simple. And Teddy has always had a nose for a scoop. Some have compared us to a modern day Woodward and Bernstein, investigative trailblazers with a penchant for the printed word.
Needless to say, we were absolutely transfixed by the recent story of former felon and panhandler, Ted Williams. In the span of 48 hours, this street urchin has gone from the local Columbus recidivist to celebrated voice announcer. Teddy and I must admit that this man’s larynx must have been quilted from God’s own thread spool, and his vocal cords anointed with holy water and frankincense. As Williams fields offers from the likes of Kraft, MTV and the Cleveland Cavaliers, it’s clear the American people are suckers for a redemptive comeback story.
Teddy’s question, if he may be so bold, is “Has the American media juggernaut gone too far?” I caught a television interview where Williams, a recovering alcohol and drug addict, said “I wish I could take a nervous pill, but the Today Show’s psychologist said that wasn’t a good idea.” Admittedly, I had a bit of a chuckle at this statement as I watched Williams stoop to hug his estranged mother and praise the Lord for his kindness. I certainly don’t think a man who was living in a tent a week ago has the “chops” to voice announce every Cavaliers game, but hey, you never know.
The fast paced American media is already preparing Williams for his inevitable downfall. Hopped up on fame and attention, this poor soul will eventually burn out, relapse and slide back into his hole; his fame is their creation, and his destruction their encore.
Postscript – Good luck to Mr. Williams as he reprises Wolfman Jack’s role in American Graffiti. Out of sight!
I can’t divulge the name of the fresh young writer who drafted this short screenplay, but I can say that this work was submitted by an English speaking, born-in-Brooklyn classmate of mine in a Gotham Writers’ Workshop screenwriting class. I can also say that it is one of the most hilarious scripts I have ever read. I got my $300 worth just by setting my eyes on this comic gold.
If you have any interest in seeing the work of a developing talent, this is a MUST READ. Download a copy and leave your feedback below.
FTR: We had to act this out in class, and I suggest you do the same at home. I played the lead role of Bhatti.
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